. : LONELINESS :.

there has always been groups of ppl in a class like who you feel most comfortable with or who you can trust. but since i came to secondary school, my perception of things have altered alot. i have learnt to be guarded with what i say and to watch out for my actions. a classmate of mine gave me a very good example which i totally agreed on. If one knows that she is not "accepted" into a certain group and does not feel comfortable in that specific group, anyone in their right mind would know to stay away and to try to have the least strand of contact with them. they would also find an alternative way to find other friends either in class or outside of class. if lets say me, i don feel like i fit in with the girls in my class, i try to fit in with the guys in my class cos prbably i might have some common interest and if i do then i'll have a group to hang with. but this will cause the other girls to speculate and say that either i am being flirty or slutty which is a very cynical and shallow-minded way of thinking. anyway that's how i feel now, lonely imean. all that i've said above is and example. but i find that i don really have a close"girl-fren" at all.

GROUPS IN CLASS(GIRL SIDE)
-stella and cheryl
-shavonne and stephanie
-shemaine and pei ting
-alicia, carmen, ji soo and geok joo
-ai lin
-me

most of you might now think that it is only right for me to be close buddies with ai lin but the fact is that i don really think we click 'cept for some issues but the truth is that both of us can't really be close- buddies cos i juz have a feeling like it won't work out or something. that's why i feel so lonely in my class that most of the time, i'm spendin my recess at another class. 2LY is my haven. first, it' s so sad that i find that my school is full of hyprocrites, second, not matter what i do i still can't get away from this. try fighting it and ppl will think badly of you, try accepting it, ppl also will think badly of you. it's such a simple matter that can be solved but the ppl makes it so difficult.! i also juz realised that a sec1 i know who i thought i was on good terms with suddenly does not like me very much and i'm hearing stories that ppl write in science labs that they don like me too. i mean think of it, ppl who you don knoe say they don like you. i mean where's the humanity in that and like it would be so freaky! i mean i could be talkin to a person who hates me to the coer but i don even knoe it. maybe the person who i pass everyday in school also hates but i don evern know who it is. that is the utmost thing i'm afraid off. to be hated and not know for what reason and esp by whom.

i juz smsed my tuition fren and i was juz jokin with her that she and another guy was together and she lashed out at me poisonously! she was like" whatever i say and talk to him about is between us and is like none of your business" and i was not even provokin her! she didn't evern like tell me that she didn't like what i said about them. moreover it was only 7 words and she has to sms me all that. well anyway , i've juz gotta accept that she does not really take to me and all i should do is to stay far, far away from her. that way i can ease myself from more pain that i am receiving from school. lets juz hope that my anel would find me soon or i find my angel soon before i crack up and explode in this shit hole! ARG! i really feeling angry and depressed noe. *sigh* i really need to try to find MORE alternatives of releasing bad "chi" haha perhaps i'll join yoga! haha